Prevent Problems From Becoming Crises

I heard this saying and thought it was good:

Problems that are left unattended have a habit of becoming crises. 


I suppose problems exist for us to confront and deal with them, so we can grow ourselves. 


– There is no running from problems.


– There is no hiding from problems.


Problems can follow you with better than laser-guided GPS and they will find you out.  


The only option is it face the challenge head-on and the earlier and more productively the better. 😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Ghosting – How Rude!

So when I listen to the Kane Show in the morning on 99.5 FM, they frequently do this thing where they call someone to find out why they’ve ghosted their lover or friend. 


Invariably, it often turns out that there is someone else in that person’s life. 


The person is usually either too scared to confront the other person or is just a cheater and doesn’t want to tell the other person, instead wanting to “have their Kate and Edith too.”  LOL


So “ghosting” is where the person just disappears, cuts off contact, or goes incommunicado. 

It’s sort of an avoidance strategy. 


This leaves the other person not knowing what happened or why. 


It’s like the line just goes dead between the two people.  


Sometimes, one person is clingy or forces themselves on another in which case, the other person may feel smothered, and therefore repels or wants to run in the other direction. 


Other times, how do you tell someone that you just don’t like them anymore? 


Worse is if the person is cheating behind the other person’s back, hiding it, and denying it–that’s unforgivable!


When a person ghosts another, it’s sort of like at work when someone get’s marginalized. 


No one wants to give honest feedback to the other person, so instead for some people it’s just easier to avoid them and the topic  altogether. 


I think the point is not to hurt other people. 


The question is how do you cut the strings with someone you don’t like without getting into a huge, ugly confrontation?


Honesty is the best policy, and treating people the way you would want to be treated. 


But for some people who don’t take no for an answer, it’s understandable that you may just want to have the phone on busy signal or you attempt to break contact.


Relationships are tough, and when they go bad, ghosting without at least trying to end it nicely can not only be rude, but also it’s chicken to break it off as a ghost, and not a person. 😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

When People Can’t Admit They’re Wrong

So he’s a story from the pool today…


I’m doing my laps minding my own business.


And this guy gets to the pool, sits down, and immediately pulls out his cellphone.


Then he proceeds to literally yell into his phone for probably a good half an hour. 


I’m doing my laps and I can hear this guy yelling:


– At his end of the pool 


– ALL the way at the opposite end of the pool


– With earplugs


– AND even underwater


And he goes on and on and on. 


Doesn’t stop for even a breath of air. 


Now, in all the years swimming, I’ve never had to approach someone about their behavior like this.


BUT this was too much as my head was pounding from his incessant yelling.


I waited until he finished his call. 


And it happened to coincide with me finishing my laps. 


I come out of the pool and grabbed my stuff. 


I have to pass him on the way out. 


And I’m still debating with myself whether this schlemiel is even worth it. 


My head is still throbbing from his yelling.


I stop in front of his chair. 


Now he’s pulled out a book and is trying to read. 


I say:

Excuse me.

He knows he did something wrong, and he barely looks up, trying to ignore me. 


I say again:

Excuse me. Did you intend for everyone at the pool to hear your ENTIRE conversation?


He starts murmuring something, and then says throwing it back on me:

What’s the problem?


So I say:

You were speaking so loud, I could hear you all the way on the opposite end of the pool.  I could even hear you under the water. 


He’s agitating now and he says:

Well, I was speaking to someone 85-years old who doesn’t hear well.  You get it?


So I say respectfully:

I am sorry that he doesn’t hear well, but does everyone else here around the pool also need to hear the conversation? 


Then he says:

So what–I don’t care if everyone hears.


I try one more time.

Do you see all these other people trying to read, rest, swim–do you at all care?


He still can’t get himself to come around, and instead doubles down and says, 

Well. I’ll do whatever I want!

Now, I’ve had enough, and I say:

So basically you don’t give a shit for ANY of your neighbors, do you?


Finally, he must of been embarrassed enough at his terrible behavior, and he backs down and says:

Next time he calls me, I’ll take the conversation inside!


At which point, he goes back to his book, and I complete my exit. 


It took all that just to get him to say he’ll handle it differently next time and basically be respectful of his neighbors and not a selfish pig!


It’s amazing–some people really just can’t own up to when they are being a jerk.


But I was glad this guy finally came around–maybe there is still hope. 😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Fruitful Discussions

I liked this guidance from Dr. Britt Andreata on addressing conflict through managing difficult conversations


Here’s how the typical bad scenario unfolds:


1. Problems begin with another person (e.g. annoying or unwanted behaviors).  


2. People start building their cases – listing the wrongs done to them, collecting corroborating evidence, and seeking validation from others.


3. There is a tipping point in terms of frequency or intensity of the problems that lead to a confrontation where accusations are made and blame is attributed. 


4. Then the aftermath in terms of a animosity, loss of trust, and a damaged relationship.


Here’s a better way to deal:


1. Problems begin with another person.  


2. People spend some time reflecting on why the behavior is affecting you, getting clear on what you want to correct it, and trying to see from the other person’s perspective. 


3. The tipping point is sooner in terms of the frequency and intensity of the problems–so you nip it in the bud earlier–and you have a conversation with the other person where you have reframed the other person from an adversary to a partner (e.g. you’ve questioned the facts, assumptions, conclusions along with your emotions, beliefs, and actions–and you’ve looked at alternative narratives to these) and you take responsibility for your part, share your experience and goals to improve things, invite their perceptions, and “co-create solutions.”


4. Follow through with the other person to work together, implement the changes, and hold each other accountable to address the issues. 


The amazing thing about this approach to conflict management is that assuming the other person isn’t truly bad, evil, or gunning for you is that we can look at things from constructive perspective where we own our part, and they own theirs, and together we work together to make things better for everyone. 😉


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

What Do You Do With Fear?

Thought this was a really good perspective on fear.


“You have two options:


Forget Everything And Run


Or


Face Everything And Rise”


It the old fight or flight!


– Running may be good when you can avoid a devastating fight and get yourself and your loved one to safety.


– But sometimes you don’t have that option and you have to “fight the good fight” and overcome the devils you face. 


Everyone is afraid of something(s) and/or somebodies. 


If someone isn’t afraid then they are brain dead!


Strengthen yourselves, ready yourselves, and pray. 


What do you fear and how will you face it? 😉


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Conflict – Resolution or Escalation

Conflict.jpeg

So I thought this was interesting on the cause of conflict. 


There are four main parts:


1) Deprivation – You believe that someone is depriving you of something you need or want. This could be something physical like money, or an object or it could be inanimate such as love or respect. The feeling of deprivation is anchored in a real or perceived feeling or being deprived of access to resources or the imbalance who has those resources. 


2) Name – You identify the person you feel is causing you this deprivation. 


3) Blame – You blame them for their role in causing you harm. 


4) Claim – You justify the accusation by anchoring it in a claim that the other person has violated some social norm such as taking something that doesn’t belong to them or violating an agreement you have with them and so on. 


As the conflict comes to a head, it is clear that people are feeling hurt, that there is a desire to correct the situation, and that you are going to confront the (perceived) culprit and make your case on why what they are doing is wrong and how it should be resolved. 


If you have the wrong person in the cross-hairs, your justification is weak or you’re not telling the whole story (i.e. maybe you played a part or harmed the other person too), or the person just won’t give you a fair hearing and sincerely work with you to resolve it, then the conflict may escalate from here.  


Usually, it’s best to listen, empathize, negotiate, compromise, try to be reasonable, and resolve the situation at the earliest point possible.


If there is a greater conflict or risk to either party involved, then heels may get dug in and all avenues to resolving it can be open including legal and even all out war. 


Conflict is no game, but in some cases it may be unavoidable–and then the ramifications can be earth shattering. 


What to do when you’re in a conflict situation? Think before you act, and then think again. 


Ultimately, peace is one of the greatest of blessings. 😉


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Drumbeats Of War

War.JPEG

My bet is that we are looking at a semi-major international confrontation over the next few years. 


The bend over backwards for our enemies is over. 


Terrible and unenforceable deals are shameful history.


Cyberattacks and hacking will not be treated as the cost of doing business in the 21st century. 


Buzzing of our ships and planes won’t be tolerated anymore.


Letting other nations take what they want in Georgia, Crimea, Syria, and the South China Sea is finished. 


Watching helplessly the nuclear proliferation and buildup of the means to deliver weapons of mass destruction by Iran and North Korea won’t go unanswered.


Radical Islamic terrorism is not a dirty word anymore and we will bring the fight to the enemy in a bigger and more serious way. 


Our defense and that of our allies won’t be treated lightly and we will not retreat in the face of evil. 


No one wants war, everyone wants peace, but unless we stop the aggression against us once and for all, the drumbeats of war will only get louder and more ominous. 


Set the boundaries and enforce them before the all the red lines are crossed and a real and highly dangerous confrontation becomes inevitable. 


Peace through strength is far preferable than war because of disengagement, weakness, and leadership from behind. 


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)