OFNR Communications Model

This is a useful 4-part communications process (developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg):

1. Observations:  Tell the other person the behavior you observe from them that is making you uncomfortable. 

When I Observe…

2. Feelings:  Explain how the person’s behavior makes you feel (happy, sad, angry, annoyed, excited, worried, scared, hurt, embarrassed, confused)

I feel…

3. Needs: Describe what you need from the other person (physiological, safety, social, esteem, self-actualization)

Because I need…

4. Requests: Ask them specifically what you’d like them to do.

Would you be willing to… 

It’s a way to make your feelings and needs known and ask nicely what you’d like from others. 

This provides a mechanism to give feedback and work with other people without being confrontational, threatening, dictatorial, or nasty. 

When I see you reading my blog, I feel happy, because I need to try to be a good person and good influence in this world. Would you be willing to share my blog with others? 😉

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal and Colleague from Work)

Alternatives Are More Valuable Than Criticism

So one lesson of life that I have learned is about criticism. 

It’s easy to criticize, but tough to come up with real solutions. 

Criticizing someone else, does not usually provoke a good response. 

UNLESS, you can provide a bona fide better alternative in a loving way. 

It’s important to solve problems and not just create new ones. 

Criticizing without an alternative just causes anxiety and frustration in the other person. 

But when you says something isn’t right and why, and provide a better alternative, now the other person can see concretely what you are talking about, and they know they have options and that you are trying to help. 

No one wants to be told they are no good or their choices are no good. 

But people don’t mind and perhaps may even embrace being told that there is even something better for them out there.

Don’t criticize, instead give alternatives that are good for the other person. 

That’s real love without being a jerk. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Don’t Give A Fire Truck

Sometimes, others can get negative at you in life.

People are unhappy. 

 

Complaints are rolling in. 

It seems like you can’t do right.

But you have to have a thick skin or as one colleague told me:

You need to be like Teflon and have it all just roll off you.

And this book title reminded me of this:

“The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”

Yes, we do have to care about doing good in what we do. 

It’s just that we shouldn’t “give a f*ck” when others are just wanting to tear us down and enjoying it. 

Constructive feedback is good. 

But destructive negativity at every turn is just hurtful.

It’s also a way for others to not take ownership.

We all need to do our part to make things better in this world. 

Sure, no one does everything right and no one is perfect. 

But everyone needs to try their best, and when others just want to beat on you…

That’s a completely appropriate time to not give a firetruck. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Faith Has To Win Over Worry

Anxiety is worry and fear on steroids.

Some people have separation anxiety.

Others have social anxiety.

And then there is good ‘ol generalized anxiety.

It was fascinating-scary to learn that nearly 1 in 3 will have an anxiety disorder before the age of 18.

Despite all the abundance, affluence, advancement and technological progress, people are nevertheless more fearful about their present and futures. 

Perhaps like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, when people weren’t able to satisfy their most basics physiological and safety needs, they didn’t know better to worry about everything else like whether they were truly loved, integrated, on the right track in life and fulfilled.  

These days, we have more money, time, and information to know that there is plenty to be anxious about. 

We know the most horrible stories of trauma, illness, death, corruption, disaster, terror, and war–it’s plastered on the news and Internet 24/7/365.

Moreover, our “friends” and connections are blabbing about it on the social networks day-in and -out.

We are aware of our mistakes and foibles in real time as feedback is given and received with both likes as well as open criticism, marginalization, and alienation at every turn we take.

You have to ask yourself–is it meant to help anyone or to degrade and destroy the others, the opposition, the ones we don’t like anymore. 

It’s not just trolls that can make your life miserable, but everyone from your bosses to your peers and social circle who give you pause with continuous reaction and footnote–much of it driven by alternative facts and fake other world self-serving reality.

Perhaps yesterday you were a genius and on top of the world, but then all of a sudden you’re low-life garbage.

Your self-worth and future are measured by likes and dislikes, connections and reactions by people who are driven by their own agendas, power, and biases. 

It’s not just local either. 

North Korea and Iran are tweeting about destroying the world and their latest rocket launches and WMD development. 

Tomorrow maybe the end of one or of many. 

There is truly plenty to worry about in society driven by selfishness, materialism, faithlessness and a moral vacuum where truly anything goes. 

Selflessness, meaning, morality, and faith have to win over all the reasons to be anxious. 

We know too much about the bad every day, and this can only be overcome by anchoring ourselves in the good. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Getting Valuable Performance Feedback

So here are three simple questions to ask your boss that can help you get valuable performance feedback and advance yourself and your career:

1) What am I doing that you want me to keep doing?

2) What am I doing that you want to me quit doing?

3) What am I not doing that you’d like me to start doing? 

There you have it in a nutshell–you can partner with your boss to improve yourself and get ahead. 

Just three easy questions gets you a lot of good information. 

 

The hardest part is getting up the nerve to ask and then being willing to really listen to what’s said.  😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

I Like Working Here

I got some bad news and really good news from a colleague at work this week. 

The bad news was that he was concerned that he hadn’t gotten the raise that he wanted from his company for the last number of years.

The good news was that he said that despite that, “I and everyone else on the team really like working here–it is a special group.”

It was funny, because recently someone else from a different office stopped me on the elevator when I was getting off on my floor, and she points and says “everyone says that is one of the best groups to work in!”

I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear this feedback.

And while I certainly know that “you can’t satisfy all of the people all of the time,” it was especially meaningful to me to hear this on such a fast-paced and high performance team–where people routinely seem to not only pull their weight (and more), but also pull together. 

As to the raises from this gentleman’s company that is a separate matter, especially as I understand that we all have bills to pay, but in terms of a good work environment and inspiring team that is something that also means the world to me. 😉

(Source Photo Andy Blumenthal)

I’m Telling You They’re Really New

So I ordered a pair of swim fins to replace a pair that recently ripped in the pool. 

I went online and ordered a brand NEW pair. 

A few days later, the fins arrive in an envelope (no box). 

Already sort of terrified at what I will find in this strange bag, I slowly open it up, and find a completely disgusting dirty, scuffed, USED pair of fins with no tags or packaging. 

Ew…I am so grossed out and contact the vendor right away to return these, but instead of customer service, I got a boat load of b.s. and chutzpah.

They made a million excuses, tried to make me feel bad, and basically refused to provide for a return, saying that the product is not really used, that it just got dirty in the mail and on the trucks and all, and I just have to clean them off a little!

When I question them about why there was no box or packaging, they say, “Oh that, well we take it out of the box, so we can ship it more cheaply for you! 

I said, “What right do you have to take it out of the packaging when I ordered it new–maybe I want the packaging or need to give the item as a gift?”

Then they go on to give me an ear-full about about the high cost of shipping and that I should thank them for removing the packaging to the keep costs down (but the problem is that they were trying to keep costs down in more ways than one here). 

They continue to berate me as well about how I should be more understanding as to the dirt and scuff marks, since it’s no big deal, because when I put it in the pool, the water and the chlorine will wash it off and kill all the germs anyway!

After patiently taking this abuse for a while, I went online and saw that others had the same experience with this merchant–getting sent used goods in the mail that had been advertised and paid for as new.  

Now I had had it up to HERE, and I promptly did my duty and went online to give them an appropriate customer review to help others from getting cheated like this in the future. 

Guess what happens next? 

They email me to tell me that they took note of my feedback and not that they are sorry about what happened and want to fix it, but that “We will never ship to you again.” 

My wife explodes laughing…mwahahahahaha–like who would ever want to go back and do more business with these crooks. 

People are absolutely crazy out there.

Caveat emptor (buyer beware) a million times.  😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Clothing Optional

This was a funny painting in the gallery. 

A naked lady with a big colorful sun hat on. 

Be careful you don’t want to get too much sun!

The painting also makes me think of the saying “The empress (or emperor) has no clothes.”

The leader thinks they are wearing beautiful clothes, but the reality is they are naked in front of their subjects. 

People see when their leaders are shelling out a clouded vision, tempting them with empty (campaign) promises, or pushing ideas that don’t hold water in the real world, but often people are simply too afraid to say anything.

Instead, they acknowledge the beautiful clothes or brilliant ideas that aren’t there and in groupthink fashion, they fail to call out the folly for what it is, when it is. 

Naked is naked, and we should say the truth albeit with respect and in a constructive way, if we really want to make genuine collective progress. 

True–lauding or blinding following what simply isn’t there and has no substance may land you a seat at the royal table, but what good is it, if you are sitting with some leaders that may be nothing more than naked idiots. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Millennial Workplace

So a colleague from a law enforcement agency told a funny story the other day.

When he was an agent-in-training he said they told them, “Keep your eyes open and your mouths shut.”

Basically, you are new–so watch and learn before you do something stupid and potentially get yourselves or someone else in trouble. 

But now as someone who been there for decades and is a supervisor, he was interviewing someone right out of school, and in the interview the kid says, “I want to be in charge!”

The difference from Generation X and the new Millennials couldn’t have been starker. 

But what did this guy do, he didn’t show the candidate to the door by his earlobes, but rather he ended up hiring him. 

Times have changed–not only with all the technology we use–but also in terms of people’s expectations from the job.

What do people want these days–aside from good compensation and comprehensive benefits?

– Engagement through challenging and meaningful work that has tangible outcomes from day one

– Innovating and creating versus pushing paper and doing routine, repetitive work

– Using current and cutting-edge technology

– Opportunities to stay and advance or building the resume to “move out to move up”

– Lots of feedback, teamwork, sharing, and transparency

– Considerable work-life balance 

The bottom line is don’t be surprised by the kid who wants to be in charge from the get-go, instead relish their gusto and unleash their talent in your organization–with guidance, they can do amazing things. 

It’s not your fathers workplace anymore. 😉

(Source Photo: here with attribution to g Tarded)

How To Give Employee Feedback

Finally some realism about how to conduct employee evaluations…

The Wall Street Journal reports that in the past employees could expect that “we would bring them in and beat them down a bit.”

But now, managers are expected to “scrap the negative feedback” and “extol staffers strengths” (accentuate the positives).

Companies are realizing that negative feedback does “more harm than good.”

– You tick off the employee and ruin any positive relationship and trust. 

– The employee feels unappreciated, hurt, and in jeopardy. 

– Employees project their hurt feelings and accuse you of being the problem. 

– The deteriorating state makes them fear that you are working against them and they become unmotivated to try to do better.

– Instead, they spend their time working against you (and the company), and looking for another job. 

There is an old saying that you don’t sh*t where you eat, and so it is with employee performance evaluations.

In over 25 years, I have never seen negative employees reviews produce positive results!

However, I have seen that sincerely praising everyones’ best efforts, leveraging their strengths, and being thankful for what each person contributes makes a high performing team where people are loyal, want to work, and contribute their best. 

Everyone has weaknesses and problems, and frankly most people when they are being honest with themselves, know what their issues are. Pointing their face in it, doesn’t help. (Have you ever told a fat person that they need to lose a few pounds?)

One idea that I did like from the Journal is called “feedforward,” where you ask “employees to suggest ideas for their own improvement for the future.”

This way each person can be introspective and growth as they mature and are ready, but not under threat, rather with support and encouragement. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)