The Anxiety Filter

What a brilliant picture of “Anxiety” by a child in Montgomery County, Maryland. 

Notice the great big letters–and all in caps–for what ANXIETY feels like. 

Anxiety is black–it’s when we are in a dark foreboding place and we can’t find our way out–it holds us back from doing what we need and like to do. 

Anxiety feels so all-enveloping and ginormous–it dwarfs us in the “I”–and we feel so small and are paralyzed, incapable of freeing ourselves from it. 

Anxiety is a cognitive and emotional bias where we see things in black and white–everything is to the extreme–and there are no greys; we tend to talk in all or nothing and our actions may mimic our extreme feelings. 

Around the anxiety, we are bordering in blood red–we are in a dangerous place–where our feelings of fear, inadequacy, and being incapable of overcoming it can lead us to do something desperate and final. 

When we are drowning in anxiety, it is like a lens or filter that clouds our vision and thinking, so we can make bad decisions, not make any decisions, or just procrastinate in order to avoid the issue and thing we are afraid of. 

We have to fight off the octopus grip of anxiety.

We have to find our courage within and from G-d.

We have to conquer our demons so we can meet our destiny head-on. 

We have a mission to fulfill in our life, and we can’t let anything get in the way. 

Fate is waiting for us to make our important contribution, so then we can be gathered to our fathers and rest in final peace. 😉

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Should We Care What Others Think?

So I was talking with someone and they were telling me how self conscious they feel about what others think of them.

They said when they were in school, they were picked on, bullied, labeled, and made to feel different and excluded.

Whether it was their hair that was different or their lunchbox that got taken and hidden from them, the other kids were relentless. 

Now in life, they are still dealing with all those feelings.

Do they look right? 

Are they educated enough?

Is their profession something others will admire them for?

And on and on. 

And at a certain point, I said, “Isn’t it more important what you think about yourself than what others think about you?”

And they said, “Sure, but I still feel like I have to live up to other people’s standards. I don’t want them to think bad about me or talk behind my back!”

I understand this way of thinking is based on trauma from the past and feelings of inadequacy and not fitting in. 

And we can spend our whole lives chasing this illusive acceptance from others. 

Or we can decide to pursue we what believe in and love, and to find healing in the good we do, rather than the nods or winks from others that we receive. 

If we are trying to live up to somebody else’s arbitrary standards of perfection, cool, or being in the in-crowd, we may never be good enough.

Instead, if we pursue what we know is right from our moral compass and our heart and soul, and always do our best, we will attain the satisfaction that comes with healthy self-development and maturation. 

Seeking unconditional acceptance and love can definitely leave you feeling frustrated, self-hating, and even quite alone. 

But accepting yourself, developing yourself, and giving to G-d and to others will always leave you feeling fulfilled. 

Forget living as if your in the fishbowl, and strive for the Superbowl of achievement through incremental progress and goal attainment in your life. 

Start with making yourself proud and the others will come around. And if for some reason they don’t, it’s truly their deficiency and loss and not yours!

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

You’re Not All That

So they say that all sin is rooted in arrogance.

We get too big for our britches and think we can do whatever we want including stepping on others and defying our maker.

An interesting article in Harvard Business Review reminds us to beware of narcissism and hubris.

Narcissism is a character disorder where because of feelings of inadequancy from childhood, people have to self-promote themselves every which way toSunday–they are “insufferably self-centered.”

Hubris is a reactive disorder where due to past success and accolades from others, we become overconfidant, until the luck changes “toppling from their pedestals” and shrinking their ego back down to size.”

I like the reminders from HBR cautioning about these:

– “Have more than thou showest; speak less than thou knowest.” – Shakespear

– “Humble pie should be the only dessert served.”

It’s one thing to have decent self-esteem anchored in your knowing right from wrong and acting accordingly, and it’s another to think and act like you have all the answers–none of us do.

If your showing it off, it’s likely a turn off. 😉

(Source Photo: here with attribution to Jampa)

Perfect Is The Enemy of Good

Perfection is a destructive force. 

And the French philosopher, Voltaire recognized this when he said “Perfect is the enemy of good.”

I never really fully understood this saying, until recently reading a Harvard Business Review article (June 2011) called “The Paradox of Excellence.”

The article states: “High achievers often undermine their leadership by being afraid to show their limitations.”

At the heart of it…high achievers can let anxiety impede their progress through stress, alienating others, and failure to seize real opportunities. 

Here from the article are some of the “classic high achiever” behaviors that can get in the way of success unless artfully managed and balanced (my views):

1) Results-driven: High-achievers can be so work-oriented that they forget the people the make it all it happen. This is why they need to remember to delegate, empower, share, and CARE about others. The work is a team effort!

2) Highly-motivated:  They can be so serious about all aspects of their jobs that they “fail to distinguish between the urgent and the merely important.” Instead, they should take a bigger-picture PERSPECTIVE on the tasks and prioritize these accordingly. Not everything is life and death, thank G-d, and we need to keep a sense of humor and take the time to enjoy what we are doing. 

3) Competitive: They “obsessively compare themselves with others,” which can cause them to feel insufficient or make false calibrations. You have to remember to INTERNALIZE that the competition is not with others but with yourself–be the best you can be!

4) Risk-managed:  “They may shy away from the unknown” and avoid risky endeavors.  As they say in Wall Street, without risk, there is no reward. To INNOVATE and transform, you need to take calculated risks (without betting the farm!) after doing due diligence on an investment or opportunity. 

5) Passion: This can lead to powerful, productive highs, but can also result in “crippling lows.”  Recognize that there are natural ups and downs in the course of one’s work.  You can STEADY yourself through these by seeing it as incremental growth and improvement, rather than as either pure success or failure.

6) Guilt: “No matter how much they accomplish, they feel like they aren’t doing enough.”  This is an endless trap of it’s never enough and never good enough. Hey, we’re all mortal. Do what you can and balance the many demands that you have on you in your life, but FOCUS on what’s most important, since you can’t do it all and you can never get it all done. 

7) Feedback: High-achievers “care intensely about how others view their work” and they require a steady stream of positive feedback. Don’t get hung up by what other people say or think–it’s not personal and they have their own problems. Stay focused on delivering excellence in products and services to the customer, and use whatever feedback you can get–positive or negative–as valuable information to IMPROVE your offering. 

If you are a high-achiever and demand much (if not the impossible from yourself), take a step back and a breath in and out–you can accomplish a lot more of what’s important to you if stop trying to be perfect, admit your vulnerabilities and limitations, and just try to do your best–that’s all that anyone can ask.