Lifeguard Needs A Lifeguard

So I thought this was a funny story the lifeguard told me.


The guards are required to renew their lifeguard certification every two years. 


When I asked if he swims, he said “not regularly” and then when I asked if he exercises, he said half-jokingly: “I sleep, eat, and drink!”


But then he told me about the lifeguard exam and a couple of people who should’ve never been taking the test. 


One lady gets waist deep into the pool, and the proctor tells the lady to swim to the other side of the pool and back. Instead of swimming, she starts crying hysterically that she doesn’t know how to swim!


Another guy was swimming funny with his arms flailing and his butt out of the water. When the proctor asked him what was up with that and to show him what was hiding under his trunks, the guy showed him that he was wearing an inflatable plastic band under his pants. 


Fail, fail, fail–these are life endangering guards, NOT “lifeguards!”  😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Pool Poop Galore

So I was at the pool going swimming, doing my laps.  


It was very busy there with lots of people of all ages. 


All of a sudden, I hear some screaming. 


Then the guards come over and tell people they have to get out of the pool, pronto!


There’s been an accident. 


No, not someone getting hurt.


Someone had a bathroom accident in the pool.


The director of the pool is going around explaining to the inconvenienced swimmers that:

“Someone pooped in the pool.”


Not exactly an eloquent way to say it, but it gets the point across. 

What is worse, it was on the side of the pool where the adults were swimming!


Next come the lifeguards with the nets and they are literally scooping swathes of this sh*t out of the pool. 


I see it literally spans almost a half length of this olympic pool. 


What a crappin’ mess. 


Luckily I got almost all my swim in–yes, I am dedicated!


And then took a long hot shower with tons and tons of soap. 😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

When People Can’t Admit They’re Wrong

So he’s a story from the pool today…


I’m doing my laps minding my own business.


And this guy gets to the pool, sits down, and immediately pulls out his cellphone.


Then he proceeds to literally yell into his phone for probably a good half an hour. 


I’m doing my laps and I can hear this guy yelling:


– At his end of the pool 


– ALL the way at the opposite end of the pool


– With earplugs


– AND even underwater


And he goes on and on and on. 


Doesn’t stop for even a breath of air. 


Now, in all the years swimming, I’ve never had to approach someone about their behavior like this.


BUT this was too much as my head was pounding from his incessant yelling.


I waited until he finished his call. 


And it happened to coincide with me finishing my laps. 


I come out of the pool and grabbed my stuff. 


I have to pass him on the way out. 


And I’m still debating with myself whether this schlemiel is even worth it. 


My head is still throbbing from his yelling.


I stop in front of his chair. 


Now he’s pulled out a book and is trying to read. 


I say:

Excuse me.

He knows he did something wrong, and he barely looks up, trying to ignore me. 


I say again:

Excuse me. Did you intend for everyone at the pool to hear your ENTIRE conversation?


He starts murmuring something, and then says throwing it back on me:

What’s the problem?


So I say:

You were speaking so loud, I could hear you all the way on the opposite end of the pool.  I could even hear you under the water. 


He’s agitating now and he says:

Well, I was speaking to someone 85-years old who doesn’t hear well.  You get it?


So I say respectfully:

I am sorry that he doesn’t hear well, but does everyone else here around the pool also need to hear the conversation? 


Then he says:

So what–I don’t care if everyone hears.


I try one more time.

Do you see all these other people trying to read, rest, swim–do you at all care?


He still can’t get himself to come around, and instead doubles down and says, 

Well. I’ll do whatever I want!

Now, I’ve had enough, and I say:

So basically you don’t give a shit for ANY of your neighbors, do you?


Finally, he must of been embarrassed enough at his terrible behavior, and he backs down and says:

Next time he calls me, I’ll take the conversation inside!


At which point, he goes back to his book, and I complete my exit. 


It took all that just to get him to say he’ll handle it differently next time and basically be respectful of his neighbors and not a selfish pig!


It’s amazing–some people really just can’t own up to when they are being a jerk.


But I was glad this guy finally came around–maybe there is still hope. 😉


(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Swimming In Florida

In lovely Florida.


Hit the swimming pool.


About to do my laps.


I got my gear and ready to rock and roll.


Please G-d, we’ll spend the Jewish holiday of Shavuot (commemorating when we got the Torah) together here as a family.


What more can I ask.


Happy and grateful. 😉


(Source Photo: Dossy Blumenthal)

See You Later Florida

Love coming to Florida. 


Not a far flight.


Sun shines bright.


Water is blue. 


Birds, fish, and animals like a zoo. 


Nature is peaceful.


Shopping is plentiful. 


Activities day and night.


Swimming makes me feel right. 


Go to the beach.


Eat a peach.


Florida is the place to be.


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Andy The Swimmer

This was a cute cartoon that “Anastasia The Lifeguard” doodled of me swimming. 


She captured me doing my laps. 


Enjoying the sunshine.


Breathing in the fresh air. 


Appreciating the beautiful flowers.


Loving the pool and water. 


Thank you so much for this great picture!


(Source Cartoon: the Talented Anastasia)

Jailbird Freedom

So I’m doing laps in the indoor pool.


And out of the corner of my eye, I see this bird swoop in overhead.


But it’s not outside, it’s inside the building enclosure. 


The bird dived in through an open door.


Now it was stuck inside. 


It perched itself on a shelf overlooking the outdoors.


But it was stuck behind the glass walls.


The lifeguard tried to swoop it out with the sticks, brushes, and nets for cleaning the pool.


But this bird wasn’t going anywhere. 


I asked if it was injured or sick.


He said that the bird was scared, which made sense. 


Over and over again, the lifeguard tried to coax the bird out.


Finally, it took flight and headed straight into another glass pane–BONG–and fell down–SPLAT–onto another ledge. 


The lifeguard and I looked at each other — asking whether the bird was still alive or not.


I suggested he call for help, and the advice he was given was just to leave it alone and that eventually, it would find its way out. 


It was time for me to go, but I am still thinking about that trapped bird.


If you love something, you have to let it free.


Everyone and everything should be free (unless they’ve abused that freedom).


Free to come and go, free to express themselves, free to choose, free to act.


Sometimes, when you’re free you run into trouble or into a glass pane.


You need to find your way out and home again to freedom. 😉


(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)